The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
