it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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