Don't make out with my wife yet
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
