Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You ruined the universe
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
