who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
