I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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