Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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