My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
