I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
where does the pee come out of this thing
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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