I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
