had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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