WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Randomize
