You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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