Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
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