dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
