i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
