Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
