I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
