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It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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