so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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