Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
