You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
