he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
