So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
you had me at cake vodka
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
