It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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