I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my being single is dangerous.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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