I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
