just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
