Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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