My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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