I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
