That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Randomize
