They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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