Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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