I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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