So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
