I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
