Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
