I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
