did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
