was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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