Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize