Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
