what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
