Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
