I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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