I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I looked at my own cervix.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
