in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
don't judge my taste in strippers
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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