my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
