Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
