just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize