I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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