her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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