Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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