At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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