So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
